Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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