i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
