Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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