Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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