I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize