He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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