She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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