Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
