I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
