Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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