I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
