Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
