seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
