Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
