I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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