It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
