My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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