You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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