Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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