Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
