Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
