We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
3 2 1 whiskey
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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