We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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