I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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