im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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