if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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