I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
