the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
