Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
