dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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