Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My feet surprised me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
