I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
