i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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