Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
