My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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