I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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