I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
