There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
