Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
