that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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