im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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