is your mom at the bar?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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