I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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