she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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