Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
being pregnant is like rehab
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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