Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
