I cockslap morals
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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