I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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