Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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