how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
