I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
