When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Holy sore nipples Batman
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
