this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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