My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
