i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
