You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
