Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
