also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
